Last week, something amazing happened. My partner, my Tim, asked me to marry him. We’d talked about it, but it hadn’t happened officially. He was looking for a ring but couldn’t find one he liked for me. On our way up north for the weekend, while driving, he apologized for not finding a ring yet and I let him know that a ring didn’t matter. What mattered was we were choosing to share our lives together. I didn’t need a ring at all.
“Oh,” he said, and then immediately said, “Okay then. Will you marry me?”
“Just like that?” I asked.
He nodded.
“Yes!” I said.
“That’s it, then. It’s settled.”
He was driving 75mph at the time, and we laughed, and held hands and then ten minutes later, we pulled over to Fat Belly, ordered meatloaf sandwiches and while I talked to my friend Erin (who insisted that this was not texting information, but a conversation, and she called me)…he bought the ring online.
It’s probably the most romantic moment in my life, maybe because it wasn’t traditionally romantic. It wasn’t a grand gesture. It was just every day, immediate, and without hesitation. It felt wonderfully perfect, and right.
Last week, I went to his house and let the dogs run around the yard. Tim lives on a little peninsula, on a lake, and it’s where I’ll be moving in June. If you’ve followed my story online, you know that my dream has been to live on a lake, to have a partner, to have love and a rich life. And I had some obstacles to get there.
That’s putting it mildly.
I looked at the water and the geese and my dogs running around, and I thought “How on earth did I get here? How is any of this possible?”
I received a lot of congratulations about the engagement and that was lovely, but one came from a friend that especially resonated with me. She texted me: “I wish I could go back and tell Tanya from 5 years ago that all these beautiful things are coming because of the hard choices she’s making and the work she’s doing”.
I got here, in life, in love, in career, because of hard choices, and I think that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned over the last ten years: we all have choices, we all carry power around with us. It’s a small power of the ability to change our lives when we need to. Sometimes, it’s a power that is no bigger than a seed, but it’s there. Waiting for the right conditions (or the need) to grow.
I’ve made some terrible choices over the years. I’ve made some great choices. I had a lot to learn and it’s taken me a long time to figure out relationships and how to be healthy. I made mistakes I’m embarrassed by. I’ve said mean things. I did the best I could.
Sometimes I made choices that didn’t feel great, but they were the only thing I could do: “Wait a little longer. Wait until you’re stronger.” That was a choice. And when I was stronger, “Change everything. NOW.”
There are so many people that I wish I could tell beautiful things are coming for you, if you just hold on, if you make the hard choices you need to make, if you listen to your gut and your heart and whatever that little seed within you is telling you that you need to change. Listen to it. Be afraid but be bold too.
Even in the midst of changing my life, I still made mistakes. Huge errors in judgment. (*See THE TUESDAY GIRL) but I held onto the idea that love was possible, that a true partner who was an equal was possible. I am still learning. Still doing the best I can.
4 years ago, when I started over again, I wrote this cheesy little letter to the universe. It was for the universe as a wish, yes, but it was also for me, to encourage myself to stay true to what I wanted and needed: a partner who didn’t need convincing I was worthy of being loved, someone kind, someone emotional, someone stable. I wanted peace. Solace. Kindness. I wanted a calm sea instead of a turbulent one. I felt it was possible, and I needed to believe it was possible.
When I veered in my choices, when I tried to settle for someone who needed convincing I was worth loving, when I dated someone who lied, when I met nice men who weren’t quite aligned with what I needed, the letter called me to remind me of where I wanted to go, of what was possible.
A proposal is a great end of a book, but it’s not the end of a life. I feel, in many ways, that my big beautiful life is just starting now, because of all the hard choices I’ve made along the way. I’ve earned this life. I’ve fought for it.
There’s no magic here. This is real. And the realness is the awareness that everyone has within them the power to make choices, to change, to wait and get stronger, to move, to end things, to start things, to let go of bad relationships, to build healthy ones from the ground up. We can’t know where those choices will lead us. We don’t get to know that. But we do get the satisfaction of acting with our own power, and finding a way through the storms to a gentle place.
I have found a gentle place...with Tim, yes, and our chickens, and the lake, and our kids, and families, and pets, and garden, and woods, and mushrooms, and quiet mornings, and and and. More importantly, I’ve found a gentle place within my own spirit that knows now, that all this time, I was always worth loving. I just wasn’t able to see it.
I’m choosing to see it now.
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TANYA EBY is a narrator, casting director, and writer. You can support and encourage her writing by becoming a subscriber, or reading one of her books. She hopes that in your life, you are able to make whatever hard decisions you need to make with calm, clarity, and trust that you’re finding your way to a beautiful life too.
I'm not crying.....just beautiful!
Congratulations, Tanya!! Wonderful—the piece and the news!! I’m so happy for you 😊