How To Narrate In The Heat

Tips for navigating heat waves without spontaneously combusting

It’s hot out. Real hot. Real damn hot.

And you’ve got a book to narrate. This book needs you. Your bank account needs you. And by God, your country needs you. So, get in that booth and narrate! Perform like you’re about to burst into flame, because, honestly, you probably are.

Here are some other things to try to beat the heat:

1) Immediately take off all your clothes.

Maybe warn the people in your house and your neighbors that your work uniform for the next week is your Birthday Suit, and if they don’t want to see any of your slick and dangling bits, then they need to stay locked in their room. This isn’t on you. This is on them if they see That Which Should Never Be Seen. They’ve been warned.

2) If you have a dehumidifier, run that between recording sessions.

They suck the moisture out of the air the way vampires suck blood from pretty virgins and can significantly reduce the heat in your booth by at least .000000012%. That is, the dehumidifier can reduce the heat in your booth, not being sucked on by a vampire. That just makes you dead.

3) Freeze random things and then drape it around your neck, put it on your feet, and wear something frozen on your head.

Things to try: that space age material that’s made for this, a hand towel dipped in water and then frozen, or frozen peas. Do not use blocks of ice cream because you will start randomly licking the melting ice cream and that could sound weird in a recording. Unless it’s a sex scene, then go all in with the licking.

4) If your legs rub together when you walk in the heat, make sure you butter your thighs.

You don’t want any friction to ignite a fire. Also, if you end up cooking in your booth, the butter will make you moist and delicious.

5) Narrate in small sections.

If you usually narrate in hour increments, try 15 minutes increments. Then take a break. If that doesn’t work, try one minute increments. If that doesn’t work, curse the gods and make an alter to the Weather Channel for cooler air.

6) Freeze your bra.

If you don’t wear a bra, ask a neighbor for one of theirs. They won’t find that creepy at all.

7) Hydrate hydrate hydrate.

Drink cold water. Hot water during this heat wave is just stupid. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING:?

8) Complain on your social media accounts where you show how gross and sweaty you are narrating your romantic Christmas story.

This way, the public will know how serious you are about your art and may give you a tip on Venmo. (My Venmo is Tanya-Eby)

9) Before entering your booth, say as many swear words as you can.

You’ll be too hot in the booth to think of any of them then, so get them out now.

10) Narrate in the middle of the night.

It’ll be like you’re in college again pulling an all nighter. Bonus points if you’re drunk while doing it.

11) Use deodorant.

This doesn’t help you, but it may help the others in your household.

12) Between sessions, suck on ice or frozen grapes (split in half. Don’t choke please.)

13) If you’re lightheaded, nauseous, or suddenly have a hankering of listening to lute music and you don’t even know what lute music is, get out of the booth and cool off immediately.

LUTE MUSIC IS A WARNING SIGN. Do not cool off naked on a leather couch. No one wants to see an outline of your body on the furniture for weeks to come. (I am speaking from experience.)

14) If all else fails, look at your schedule.

Analyze it. Turn it upside down. Stare at it. Can you narrate on another day? Push a deadline? You might want to. No one wants to hear a narrator panting and having heat hallucinations, unless you like horror, then you probably want exactly that.

15) I don’t have a 15, but no one writes a list that goes to 14.

Narrating in the summer is no joke. Do what you need to do to stay safe, stay sane, and to smell good.

Your country is counting on you.

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Stay tuned for new articles. Coming up next, an article on what to include in an audition and how long should auditions be? And then one on ageism in Audiobookland. Grrrrr.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Tanya Eby is a narrator and writer. She takes this very seriously, but every once in a while, likes to let loose and write something silly like this article. Like her work? Please tell a friend.