The Importance Of Community
In our modern world, we have lost the ability to connect authentically.
Today I posted a silly little update to Facebook saying the following:
“Ohmygod! It's finally happened. My midlife achievement: I've been recognized as a breakfast Regular at Wolfgang's. The server brought me hazelnut coffee without my asking and knew I wanted the Vandermeer skillet with fruit instead of toast. It has taken YEARS for me to achieve this status and I hope you will all celebrate with me. The server and I still don’t know each other’s names, but this could change. Who knows? The world is filled with wonder.”
It's a ridiculous post, but it also hints at something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately: The importance of community, of being seen, and feeling like you belong.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family. My parents divorced when I was two or three, and there were years where I just didn’t understand…anything. I had tremendous tantrums where I just wanted someone to SEE ME. I felt invisible most of the time.
This feeling of invisibility followed me into adulthood, where I imagined that I had so little worth, you could lift me off from the planet, replace me with someone with similar coloring and shape, and no one would know the difference.
I didn’t understand some social rules (that are still confusing to me) like small talk, like asking someone on the phone how they are doing and chatting with them before getting to the point of why you called. I had trouble connecting emotionally with others. I loved people, but from a distance. I don’t know if this was because I was raised where there was little stability and emotional safety and I had to protect myself, or because my brain is wired differently (I’m pretty sure I’m neurodivergent in some way, I just don’t know how.) I could quickly zero in on people’s body language and emotions, but I just couldn’t grab hold of them, if that makes any sense. I couldn’t connect.
Over the years, I’ve learned social rules and expectations. I have learned how to love, and most recently, how to be loved (see THE TUESDAY GIRL and many thanks to Erin and to Tim for teaching me this life lesson).
I am also learning, that though I’m a strong introvert, I actually need other people in my life.
At the Audies this year, I had the best time. I was able to socialize without severe anxiety. I could breathe through it. I felt connected to people and authentic. There were a couple of times where I got overwhelmed, but I was able to approach people and say “Hey, I just need a safe space to stand for a minute” until I could settle my heart and mind and emotions. And when I was settled, I talked to more people. I laughed. I hugged. I felt unhappy with my appearance (I’ve been trying to lose weight) but I was able to stop fixating on that and just rejoice in being dressed up and with people I cared about.
Amazingly, I felt seen. I felt included. I felt loved. I don’t feel like I am forgettable anymore, or that I don’t matter. I do matter. I feel like I’ve made contributions in the world and to my community. This sense of connection is deeply satisfying to me. Maybe it’s happened organically as I get older and have been through some stuff, maybe it’s practice, maybe it’s feeling safe enough to let down some barriers so I could connect with others. Maybe it’s through being vulnerable in these blogs that I’ve learned to connect. I don’t know exactly, but I’m grateful for it.
What I’ve learned is that I need others. We need each other. Community can comfort us, make us stronger, soothe us, answer questions, and, sometimes, community can tell us when we need to grow, or change, or stop doing negative behavior. It can be uncomfortable when a community speaks out, but there’s strength in there too.
I think in our modern world, we have lost the ability to connect authentically. I feel like we could all use some lessons on why small talk is important, why we should ask how each other is doing, why it’s important to interact as authentic human beings, why hiding behind online personas can be destructive, and that true connection happens through vulnerability.
I’ve had to learn all of these things over my lifetime, and I’m glad that others took the time to teach me.
What I feel now in my work community, in my home, in my life in general, is a loving and supportive force.I’m an individual still, but also part of a whole. It’s satisfying. It’s enriching. And if feels like it makes my life more meaningful.
What are ways that we can all connect a little more authentically? Are there things you can do in your work, your neighborhood, your family, where you slow down enough to really BE in the moment? Are there things you could do to create and foster community?
In the audiobook world (which for many of us is our livelihood) things are changing rapidly. We are fighting harder for work, to be honored as working artists who deserve to be paid, and fighting for the idea that there’s importance in human storytelling, as opposed to AI recitation. There are a lot of unknowns and turbulence. We don’t know what will happen next year. We don’t even know what will happen tomorrow. But for me, being part of the community, makes me realize that these new stresses are something we’re all going through, and that makes it a little less lonely, and a little easier to bear.
I hope you have space in your life to connect with others. To go out with friends. To watch a baseball game and eat popcorn and cheer with abandon. I hope you celebrate boring things like becoming a regular at a restaurant. I hope these authentic connections remind you that you are a vital part of many communities, and this connection is what is so beautiful about life.
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Tanya Eby made a cheesecake yesterday that was truly delicious. Here’s the recipe. If you like her work, please share it with others. If you want to support Tanya’s writing and encourage her to do more, please purchase one of her books or become a paid Substack subscriber. If financial support isn’t doable, a comment or a like is a lovely encouragement too.
I love you, my friend. I'm SO GLAD you felt the love from all of us - you are so loved!!! Congratulations on becoming a part of the community at Wolfgang's too - I know how special that must feel! You are so special to all of us. Thank you for continuing to be vulnerable and giving in this newsletter, too. I know it helps so many, me included. ❤️❤️❤️
Yet another beautiful and poignant post. "I loved people, but from a distance" is SO relatable. I was an awkward loner as a kid and didn't know how to connect, even though I wanted to. I'm so glad you were able to go to the Audies, connect and explore, and take moments for peace. That's a huge win. I wish I could have made it this year!