What Do You Do When You Feel Like A Loser?
When you're having a day of deep self-doubt, how do you cope?
I’m having…a day. An annoying day.
Let me be more specific, I’m having a day where I annoy myself. I’m grumpy and whiny and pouty. The only thing separating me from a full-on toddler tantrum, is that I had a very nice breakfast of a gluten free pancake with blueberries and walnuts, so I’m not hangry. If it weren’t for that…watch out.
I don’t know what my issue is today. Every once in a while, I get discouraged with my career. My narration work isn’t going the way I want it to, I don’t feel like part of the In Crowd, I can’t get producers to hire me, I feel like no one likes me, and I feel like a loser. In writing, it’s…why can’t I get that book deal tied up? Why isn’t TUESDAY GIRL selling a million copies? Why am I still a loser. I must be the best loser of all the writers out there.
I’ve had enough therapy to know that these are just feelings, and feelings are not facts. I’m not a loser and my career is going perfectly well. I just need to weather this little temper tantrum, and get back to some kind of peaceful nougaty center.
BUT HOW? I really want the peaceful nougat center. And now I also just want to eat some nougat.
I don’t know how to get to that center, exactly. Probably not by licking.
I find that whining helps.
Shoveling two feet of snow from the top of your car while shouting expletives helps.
And maybe, just maybe, allowing myself a little space to breathe and relax helps too. Maybe reminding myself that these feelings are just a moment, just a day, and once I’m through it, there will be better moments. Moments where I feel confident and creative and loved and appreciated and as if I am doing good work.
Because I am doing good work. You are probably doing good work too.
When you’re in a funk, what helps you? Do you dance? Do you make brownies? Do you rub your dog’s belly until they’re blissed out? Do you ask someone to rub YOUR belly until you’re blissed out?
If you’re having a day like I am, see if you can make a little space in all the mind-garbage-self-doubt-blizzard to remember that this is just a moment.
It’s a dumb moment, but it’s not forever.
The next moment might just be wonderful.
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TANYA EBY is a writer, narrator, and casting director. She is thinking of starting an Only Fans page promoting her feet because her second toe is massively longer than her big toe, and someone would for sure pay $5 to see that, right? She’s thinking of making a collection of her toe pictures into a coffee book that will sell millions and get her on the cover of Time Magazine for being a massive Toe Influencer. This could probably totally happen. She’ll blog about it if it does.
When I feel like a loser, I say fuck all and go out in the woods with someone who definitely thinks I am NOT a loser - my beautiful 4.5 year old daughter!
I remind myself that the feeling is normal and okay and that it will pass. I pause and check in with myself to see if I'm hungry, thirsty, or tired and if I am, I meet that need. I try to go outside and walk if I can.
And what's worked really well for me lately is doing some parts work. Have you heard of that? It's been so helpful for me! Martha Beck demonstrates it in a recent We Can Do Hard Things podcast episode:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things-with-glennon-doyle/id1564530722?i=1000632391845
When I do it, I get out my journal and let the part of me who feels like a loser talk. I let her spew all the doubt and shame she feels, no matter how petty. Often there's more than one part that's filled with negativity and so I let them all have their say in my journal. Then the wise part of myself has a turn: she thanks them for trying to protect me and reassures them.
For what it's worth, I never feel like this will work in the moment. Then, I feel like too much of a loser for something so hippy dippy and silly to work. (My Brain Bully part is LOUD! 😂) But I do it anyway, and it's always made a huge difference. 🦋
Great post, as always!